Kokoro The Words I Feel
by Silvercry
Summary: ENDING SPOILERS! Shion must come to terms with her feelings as the first game ends. Light ShionKOSMOS


Author's Note: Once again, I do not own Xenosaga. If I did, I would't be writing _fan fiction_, now would I? After getting so many positive reviews for 'For Her' I decided to write a quick one-shot from Shion's point of view. Enjoy.

Kokoro (The Words I Feel)

I'm not sure what was I was seeing on the main view screen of the Elsa, and I didn't much care. If I wasn't in so much pain, if my heart wasn't breaking, I might have marveled at the fact that the Elsa was being wrapped up and shielded by what looked like feathers. I might even had pulled out my PDA and take as many notes about the phenomena as I could.

But as I said, I didn't much care.

I wasn't seeing the miracle outside when I looked up at the screen; I was seeing _her_ face, wreathed in flames. I didn't hear the awe in the voices around me, I was hearing _her _voice; saying her last words:

_"I am happy to be of service."_

The fact that some strange force was saving us didn't really matter to me anymore_. _KOS-MOS was gone.

__

I've been watching you awhile

Since you walked into my life

Monday morning, when first I heard you speak to me...

Intense forces of re-entry were no longer rocking the Elsa around. I'm not sure when I sank to my knees, but I found myself there. I was staring at my hands for some reason. Was just a few minutes ago that I nearly lost her at Proto Merkabah? Our hands met, I had her, but I wasn't strong enough. I almost lost her then.

Not strong enough. Story of my life. I couldn't stop you from trying to shield the Elsa, was strong enough to pull you inside, was never able to tell you --

_Tell her what, Shion? Are you going to be honest with yourself at last? _The thought came unbidden, and I couldn't ignore it. Now that she's gone, maybe I should give it no further thought. Its not like I could ever reach an answer now.

__

I was too shy to let you know

Much too scared to let my feelings show

But you shielded me and that was the beginning... 

I dropped my hands to the floor. I didn't even feel the impact. Hands. I rebuilt KOS-MOS with my own two hands after the incident four years ago. Programmed her new OS, redesigned her body. I just wanted to finish what Kevin and I had started. I planed on leaving First Division as soon as the project was complete. But...something happened along the way. I -- changed -- somehow. It became more personal. I spent every waking moment perfecting not only her OS, but also streamlining and perfecting details like her uniform, her hair, and her voice. I never questioned why I was obsessing over such trivial details -- she was supposed to be a weapon after all. It just seemed...important for some reason. Not just important. Vital. It was like...like...

_Say it, Shion! Admit it yourself now, at then end!_

Now at last we can talk

In another way

And though I try, I love you, 

Is just so hard to say 

If I only could be strong

And say the words I feel... 

Working so closely with her in the Encephalon, the way she rushed to my rescue when the Wonglinde was attacked, her attempts to empathise with MOMO.... I forgot she was a just a machine. She became real to me. Can you still hear me, KOS-MOS? There's something I need to say to you. Something I should have said a long time ago. I tried to ignore it, push it aside, make excuses for it. I won't do that any longer. KOS-MOS, I --

"Hey, Ms Vector!" Matthews suddenly yelled, bringing me back to the here and now. "Activate the secondary bow camera!" he barked at Hammer. I looked up as the screen winked on. And my heart skipped a beat.

__

My bleeding heart begins to race

When I turn to see your face

I remember that sweet dream

Which you told to me 

I wanted just to be with you

So we could make the dream come true

And you smiled at me and that was the beginning... 

KOS-MOS was standing on the bow of the ship, her pale blue hair flying free in the wind. She was undamaged, and was looking before her, her blood red eyes staring straight ahead impassively.

"KOS-MOS," I whispered. She's alive! She was still alive and undamanaged, and was standing so close that I could practically reach out and -- 

-- and what? The doubt, the uncertainty, closed around me again. The feelings I was about to admit, the words I was about to say, I forced back down again. There were other things I had to focus on. Albedo was still out there. The mystery of the MOMO's Y-data, and how it related to the Zohar was still unclear. The data on KOS-MOS's performance since her activation needed to be sent to Vector, and -- and --

__

Now at last we can talk

In another way

And though I try, I love you,

Is just so hard to say

If I only could be strong 

And say the words I feel.... 

There was still time, I decided as I stood up. Time enough to sort through these feelings. Time enough to deal with Albedo. Time enough to puzzle out Nephilim's warning about U-DO. There was time to figure out just how I feel about KOS-MOS. There was still time for all that. I heard the door to the bridge open behind me, and everyone rushed to greet her, to see if she was all right. I didn't move, I wasn't sure of how I would react if I saw her just yet.

__

Tell me what you're thinking of

Tell me if you love me not

I have so much I long to ask you

But now the chance has gone... 

I turned around slowly, oh so slowly. And there she was, surrounded by all of our friends. Her visor was missing, I noticed, but that was an easy fix. Otherwise, she was fine. Better than fine. Perfect. 

_Just like I always wanted her to be._

"Mission accomplished, Shion," she informed me casually, as though what she had just done was no different than serving drinks in the Elsa's dinning area.

I was overwhelmed by the desire to run to her, to throw my arms around her and make her promise me to never do that again. And I knew that she would stand there, and explain to me in her cold, analitcal voice why she had to do what she did, and that she would do it again if necessary.

I caught myself just in time. I lowered the hand that was reaching towards her automatically and forced myself to smile.

__

When your picture fades each day

In my heart the memory stays

Though we rant, you're always smiling

And I will hold it long.

"Welcome back," I said. It wasn't exactly, 'I love you', but it's a start.

__


End file.
